Anatomically correct, but emotionally mismatched.

Because I just don't care.

The holiday season is something tricky. People claim they're happy, but they insist on pointing out everything that's wrong.
Are you going to tell me what I'm doing wrong? Because I think I already knew that.

I have bruises on my hands, bruises on my legs, bruises on my memory and finally, bruises on my heart.
This makes me feel normal, because I know that I can't be the only one this vulnerable.

I've been keeping secrets. I hide things from you, from the person in the next room over and the person I take classes with. Every. Person.

And yet.

I feel so naked and exposed, even with my lips sealed shut.

Love shows no bounds.
Just breathe, just breathe.
It won't let you down.

Idon'twanttoletyoudown.

Last night my legs fell asleep sometime while I was watching a movie. I went to turn off my light, but when my feet hit the floor, I couldn't feel it.
I tried to convince myself that the light above my head is the sun, warm and bright and everything I love.
And that my toes were in the sand.
But I regained feeling, and all I felt then was cold tile under my bare feet, and the ache in my heart.

I want to go places.
No, I will go places.

Tonight, for the first time ever, I went outside with a blanket and sat down in my backyard. I don't live in a flashy city. Just a simple town. I saw the stars like I was the only one in the world.
I saw the stars like I have never seen them before.
And I looked up at the stars, and I remembered why I am alive and why I am happy.

I started to cry.

I'm tired of waiting. Do it, what are you waiting for?
Why are you so afraid?

I wish things were more approachable. I can't get over feeling like people are too insecure nowadays, but I'm really not one to talk.

Now, I'm going to ask you again.
What makes you afraid? I want to see your scars, all of them.

I'd walk through a wall of fire if it meant that something was worth it on the other side.

One day, I want to wake up by the ocean and find a pile of seashells next to my head. I'll use those seashells as a reason to keep on living; keep on being myself. I'll strand them with string and put it around my neck if I have to. I just need some sort of proof that I am 'okay' when really, I've got nothing to offer except for my sympathy and my apologies. I'm not that great, I'm not that kind of person who will go to great lengths to see something temporary.

But life is only temporary.
But then again, 'forever' exists. It has to. It just does. I'll keep looking for it, and when I do?
Then, I'll have something to offer.

For now? I'll keep doing what I'm best at doing.

I think that...

I need change, I need hope, I need to find faith in myself instead of other people. I need to find out what I want to do with my life but I need to find something I'm passionate about, because I tend to lose interest easily. I expect too much of other people but they expect too much out of me.

But most of all, I think that I need to love something that I need, not something that I want.

I absolutely hated today. It makes me not want to see tomorrow, or the next day and the day after that.

I wish today never happened.

In English class, there is a girl who supports Obama, but just because of his race. My friend asked her "Can I ask you why you support Obama?"
And the girl says "No."
Because she didn't know any of his views, any of his goals. It wasn't a matter of privacy, believe me. The girl says "I support Obama because we need change in the white house!" referring to his race.
And I wish I would have said "Change is not your ethnic background, it is what you have to offer." but I was too chicken to say anything.

Now, I didn't pay attention to this election as much as I should have, but honestly? Know your shit and back it up if you want to be convincing, don't be so capricious.

I'm happy right now. I hope you are too, because everyone deserves to be happy, right?
If not? Get happy, and we'll be happy together.

And I guess I want to thank a few of you (for this Golden Globe. Not).
CurseOfMarjorie, RiotKid-xo, skintobloodcell.
Thank you for reading, thank you for your thoughts.

There's an ache in my heart and it's telling me where to go, only I don't know where it's pointing. I'm lacking a compass and a map.

Happy Monday, folks. How have you been doing?

Today I had an essay prompt to write about a personal hero or three people that shouldn't be considered heroes. I tried to think, I really did, but aren't heroes supposed to be people you look up to? People that inspire you?

Where's one of those people when I need one?

I'm tired. I'm always tired. Physically and mentally.
I think my mind needs some rest. It's jumbled and I feel like I'm playing Scrabble. Which letter is next?

I'm not dead. I just feel like I am.

I've always felt out of place, like I didn't fit right with the other puzzle pieces.
I didn't have curved edges jutting out from my side to fit with the next person next to me. I never knew why.

I don't belong anywhere, because I want to go everywhere.

We can't believe without bleeding.

Happy New Year, folks. Make it a good one.